Grill’d Low Carb SuperBun Burger Review

Ok so every bastard in the Aussie keto/”paleo”sphere has been going on about the latest commercial burger chain incarnation – that of Grill’d‘s (!?) new grain-and-gluten-and-other-evil-stuff-free “SuperBun”, made from almond meal and tapioca dust and unicorn tears.

I’m not a fan of faux foods, and I think the whole “paleo” movement of which is mostly obsessed with re-creating modern foods with “good” ingredients is a big fat cringefest.

Sure, I’ve done plenty of hypocritical attempts of my own at this stuff, see my uber unpopular egg-n-cheese pizza base:

 

And I’ve made my own “paleo” almond flour bread plenty of times too:

 

But in the end after going through a spate of trying to make these things convenient and palatable, I sit back, stroke my non-existent super manly beard, and wonder the fuck why?

My species has undergone gazillions of years of evolution to peak at the top of the food chain – I’m the end result of this – and all I’m trying to do is feed a pathetic acculturation from a soft social upbringing. Then after much self-flagellation I go back to ripping the throat from gazelles and spearing wild salmon as they jump from the river. Or, well, I go back to just eating my surf n turf and stop being a pussy.

So, we’re now at the pinnacle of our civilisation, and it’s brought us to this moment, where some burger chain has had the balls to shrug off the freakishly bad decision of a grain-based society but try and keep the one true benefit of such a flawed experiment: the portable/handheld meal.

So – how’s it look? Well, here’s the media image doing the rounds:

Here’s the reality:

Not too shabby, if this showed up instead of what was on it’s Tindr profile I’d still recognise it and give it a chance.

So let’s open ‘er up:

Looks pretty good – but here’s my first issue…

Having said all that – the burger was utterly delightful, the meat tender and juicy, the bacon and cheese tasty – all this despite their wayward claims of leanness.

The plant bits were alright too.

The taste was moderately sweet somehow – there might be a fair bit of sugar in the sauces, I’m not sure, but it wasn’t too much. Either way I can’t fault the burger as a whole for taste, I’d smash that shit again any time.

But what we’re interested in here is the SuperBun – this “low carb” megafood holder that’s supposed to be the saviour to us heathens who mock the burger world by just eating the contents of the burger and deep-sixing the buns.

I’ve written at great length about the nutrition of the major burger chains, and as it turns out 99% of the thing that’s wrong with a Hungry Jacks or McDonalds burger is the “bread” it’s served on. There’s a full rundown of how it stacks up right here:

The bits of the burger that are vilified – meat and fat – are the only bits that made the burger pretty decent, it only became an atrocity once you added everything else.

So as for the taste of the bun itself – not bad. There’s nothing much to be said about it, fairly neutral, and it doesn’t interfere/overpower the burger like many other faileo attempts at buns. Having said that – it doesn’t complement it either, it’s only really there as an edible portability device to deliver food to your face in a convenient semi-low-mess cutleryless way.

This is where the real trouble in paradise comes in…

…it pretty much fails at it’s only reason for existence.

The #SuperBun is utterly useless beyond the first couple bites.

It doesn’t absorb any of the juice of the burger – or should I say it absorbs and leaks it all back to you, making it so you may as well just be holding it in a month-old sponge and smashing it into your facehole like a baby eating it’s own poop.

Also, it apparently gets so excited it can’t keep itself together, falling into a soggy flubbery mess that you might think was moulded personally by a leprosy victim just so you get to experience it for yourself.

See that’s the thing about bread – it gives an amazing texture and mouth-feel that you just cannot get from any other food. The toasted crusty-ness of the outside, the kitten-belly-like softness of the inner, the way it mops up grease and sauce, how it retains it’s molecular integrity when you put shit on it – these are all the super parts of bread, and IMHO there’s simply no point trying to substitute this with a faileo version.

Look, I’m not ragging on them for giving a good ol’ Aussie go – in fact I applaud them for even bothering, and for the huge interest they’ve garnered – I’ve been waiting YEARS for someone to offer a burger I could eat whole without being orthorexic about what’s in it, but sadly this first iteration of their grainless bun is a fail. I’m looking forward to other chains getting the hint and declaring a “healthy” bun war.

In the end I’m not some pansy-ass plant-munching girlyman who needs comfort foods and will cry if I don’t get my daily bread – I’ve lived without it for half a decade now, deleting bread from my life is the best thing since sliced bacon.

For now when the urge strikes to burger it up I’ll continue to just set the buns aside and enjoy the actual food, or if I really feel I need the full burger experience I’ll unbunch my panties and just eat the fucking thing – gluten and carbs and other vehicles of evilness and all.

The Verdict

Overall I rate the burger a fucking delicious 7/10, but it’s rather expensive for basically a takeaway snack approaching near $15 with the SuperBun (+$1.50) – there’s plenty of pubs that offer a full (bigger) burger and fries (not that I’d eat ’em) meal with a beer for $15-20 bucks, and as my tiny dining companion and lunch benefactor who is half my girth noted after eating:

The real problem though is it’s utterly pointless. For those of us carb-dodgers it’s “only” 9g of carbs (still more than I’d like for my ketogenic sake), but it’s really not much more useful than just ditching the buns (or ordering sans) of a normal burger.

It’s right up there with tofu-bacon – great in theory for those who don’t eat bacon, but in the end you may as well just eat some damn bacon if you want some, else set phasers on disappoint.

(I don’t even want to talk about the sweet potato fries – if your bag is chewy floppy smooshy lumps of kinda burnt stuff that doesn’t really have much redeeming taste apart from the occasional chunk of salt, but leaves you with a heaviness in the belly, then mission accomplished. 1/10)