Dumb shit I’ve tweeted over the years

I want to wear a shirt that complements my eyes, having trouble finding just the right shade of bloodshot.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) December 19, 2009

I love awkward moments, well I pretty much have to, it's about the only social life I have left.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) December 29, 2009

I believe in love, just not that forever stuff. It's a long time, I've never read a convincing paper on anything tested against forever.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 3, 2010

Got a comment "You look healthy, years younger than last time" – couple months of steak, bacon, eggs, beer and wine with no exercise, win.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 4, 2010

The best thing about having no friends is it frees up time to be alone.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 17, 2010

If you want your life to be complete, die.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 18, 2010

This weekend I did a double-blind test – Saturday I drank beer, Sunday I drank wine. Conclusion: I got blind both times.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 18, 2010

Video games, Bugs Bunny cartoons, and boobs – originally made for kids, but more fun for us old geezers.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) January 19, 2010

"A conclusion is simply where you stopped thinking" – #PrincipiaDiscordia

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) February 24, 2010

I like talking about myself in the 3rd person.

I mean, after having been in two others all I want to do is brag.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 18, 2010

You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan.

Designed and directed by his #FF0000 right hand.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 23, 2010

A great steak makes me wish I had as many stomachs as the cow I'm eating.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 25, 2010

Formula One – the only time when people telling me the person on the pole is a dude and not a stripper is ok.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 26, 2010

Of course I believe in a balaced diet!

50% of my calories come from steak, and 50% from beer.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 27, 2010

I think the blood content of my alcohol-stream is getting high.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 30, 2010

Pinky and The Brain is awesome.

Plus I really dig how we've got parts of our anatomy named after megalomaniacal lab mice.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) March 31, 2010

Feeling listless.

Have run out of lists.

Think I might write a list on the pros and cons of being listless.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 1, 2010

I'm not holding my breath for the girl of my dreams, I'll probably need it to inflate her.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 1, 2010

My ex girlfriend is really down to earth.

I mean really, I buried her in the parklands.

BTW, any cute girls into geocaching?

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 19, 2010

I have no qualms about eating meat due to the way it was killed – I order steak so rare it hardly qualifies as dead.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 19, 2010

My favourite organic soup is blood.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 19, 2010

They say charity starts at home, I'm not sure who "they" are – but odds are they're not homeless people.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 27, 2010

Have already put my footy tips in.

I may be incompetent, but at least I fail ahead of schedule.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 29, 2010

OMG, a bit girly but I just saw the exact car I want for my wedding!

Wait – just gotta ask what model of hearse that is.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 29, 2010

I don't believe in natural selection – alcohol has a greater influence on life choices.

— Some Idiot actually (@AshSimmonds) April 30, 2010