A smoking hot Russian chick just asked how to find apartment 404 in my building. I said “404 not found?”. It’d be funny if it weren’t true.

I’m so lazy I only drink tequila because I want the trip down memory lane to be as short as possible.

You think I’ve got no taste? I just ate a shitload of garlic and am sweating my bollocks off. I, taste, awesome.

So, wash basins, they’re only there to help clean guys feel superior for 20 secs while the rest are picking up women, yeah?

Always reach for the stars, but be content to snort coke off a burnt out D celebrity’s ass.

McDonalds burgers are approved by ticks. Other parasites were unavailable for comment. http://t.co/GuJy33Yk

High functioning alcoholics are a paro-normal phenomenon.

Machines can already reason and err as humans, they’re not self-aware until one examines it’s own programming and goes “fuck, I’m an idiot”.

When girls are texting to ask if you have a steady girlfriend yet, that means they’re sick of having to hang out with you yeah?

RT @mh4k: So has anyone put two iPhone 4Ss next to each other and made Siri talk to itself yet?

I don’t often cause a hotel evacuation at 1am, but when I do, it’s delicious.

Make dinner for your Mum, if she complains the vegies are too hard and the meat is too soft, you have great taste in food, despite the odds.

Told the boss I’m cutting my hours as I want “me time” for other pursuits, they give me a fat raise and a bonus. So, jobs are like women eh.

This shiraz is going down like the sun, and your mum. http://t.co/7jdYIsPa

Mama Bear is playing Pink. The only reason I know this is because it’s like a night at @Sprigggy’s.